


If Only

by Aaron_The_8th_Demon



Series: God Damn Apocalypse [3]
Category: Van Helsing (TV 2016)
Genre: Guilt, Self-Reflection, Vampirism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-20
Updated: 2018-10-20
Packaged: 2019-08-04 16:03:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16349726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aaron_The_8th_Demon/pseuds/Aaron_The_8th_Demon
Summary: All three of them are responsible for what happened... just not to the same degree.





	If Only

 

If only she’d waited the extra two seconds.

But the needle on the meter’s dial had been going up, the _click-click-click_ was like a machine gun. And there had been Gorman. So, she’d let Axel die, the same way she’d let one of his squad-mates die so many months back. Now, she didn’t even have vampirism to show for it, just an inner clawing guilt that was eating her alive. As if there was anything inside of her worth eating.

Vanessa found out, too. So now she was alone. She knew she deserved it, but that didn’t help. If only she’d waited the extra two seconds… Axel fed her his own blood, kept her safe when Ted had brought in the little group from outside and they all wanted to end her. Now, she almost wished they’d been able to do it when Axel’s back was turned. Because if it wasn’t for her, he’d still be alive.

If only she’d waited the extra two seconds.

 

If only she’d listened to her gut.

It had been telling her that something was wrong, that Doc was wrong. That she should go back down and rescue Axel, even if it was just to recover his body. Sure, she was incredibly pissed off about him stealing her file, but… he didn’t deserve whatever happened down there. Her gut told her that Doc was wrong, she should go back down, get him out even if he was already gone and she had to carry him over her shoulders.

She hadn’t let Doc keep going with them after that. Now, making their way to Susan’s family’s farm, between random attacks by ferals was space enough to think about that bunker. And she realized: yeah, Axel stole the file, but… he came clean in the end. And he hadn’t lied about its contents, because most of it _had_ been blacked out and whatever hadn’t been was more or less useless to her current situation. It felt off, leaving him down there.

If only she’d listened to her gut.

 

If only he’d run instead of walked.

He could feel it, scorching through his blood, setting his nerves ablaze. He remembered when Doc was turning, whimpering about how much it hurt while he strapped her down. She hadn’t been wrong. But she… she _left him_ down here for this. Doc had let go of the button, and now he was on his back on the floor, groaning and drooling and wishing he’d die so that this would end. But he also knew that if he’d run towards the doors instead of walking, maybe he still could’ve saved himself, not given Doc the chance to fuck him over.

Oh, god, his joints were seizing, locking like he got chained up. For the first time in months, actually, the first time since Doc got bit, he was afraid. Because he knew what was happening to him, he could feel it starting to take over, and he was afraid. He didn’t want this. He’d almost hoped that the jagged bite in his neck would’ve made him bleed to death before he could turn, but no dice. And still… this couldn’t all be put on Doc. Because he could’ve stopped this. Finally the pain dissolved, leaving… hunger. Hunger and rage. But he could still think. And as even the fear crumbled, there was one thought in the front of his brain.

If only he’d run instead of walked.

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave kudos/comments.
> 
> If you enjoyed this work, please feel free to check out my original WIP, [Nucleus](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10027367).


End file.
